We’re Running Out of Creative Headline Ideas

Pet peeves and why we’re still seeing these tired trends

Photo by roya ann miller on Unsplash

“I wrote <X> articles for <Y> days and THIS happened”

I have fewer than 300 subscribers, so I have no idea how much of this exasperated meta observation is going to trickle down. I am so, so sick of this template. Here’s exactly why: your readers can already anticipate the outcomes and there’s no bloody point in clicking the article:

1. You wrote 1 article and made 1 million dollars
2. You wrote 30 articles and made 60 cents
3. You wrote 5000 articles and they made 20 dollars

Unless the headline is “I wrote 300 articles in 2 days and experienced sudden, rapid onset kidney failure”, I don’t see the fucking point.

How is any of this going to help me?

“What I learned…” variant

The next irritating variant of this is the “What I learned”. It’s the same as above, but ends up with the observation that the clicks, views, mull-over times are all governed by goblins, quantum fuzziness and forces of nature that defy human intelligence. Arrays of supercomputers cannot possibly begin to untangle the multidimensional mechanics of views with pay. There are multiple screenshots of dollar figures (and cent figures). Three pages of scrolling later comes the Nirvana moment — the same orgasmic “aha!” moment that every writer on this platform has.

Just keep writing and you’ll make it big some day!

Hardly reassuring seeing that somebody wrote for 1 year and has shit stats and somebody else wrote 1 article every month and made much bank. These are all case studies — the N value is 1 in every case. Hardly surprising that your mileage will vary. Okay, next peeve.

“I made <X> dollars in <year> with these <Y> side hustles”

Ah yes, the passive income post. I’m not Lucifer. I’m not some evil corporate overlord trying to piss on someone’s chance to make some extra money, but we’ve all guessed by now what these are:

1. Crypto (a very bad idea, but hey that’s my opinion)
2. Surveys (there aren’t enough studies, you don’t get picked)
3. User Testing (reasonable)
4. YouTube channel, podcast, Upwork (Luck and chance)
5. Freelancing (Reasonable, but not everyone’s cup of tea)

A lot of these make beer money. Or they take a lot of initial investment and a good amount of luck and first mover advantage to take off. If you are reinventing the wheel, there’s already hundreds, if not thousands of people who are in front of the queue waiting for their payout. You’re not special. Focus on building an audience slowly; a group that cheer for you and there to support you. Concentrated few versus boatloads of randoms. Find your voice and use the platform to build a portfolio. Get your things published in journals or publications. Put that on a resume. Show resume to someone who sees the value in that. That’s how you generate value that’s sustained over time.

“<X> ways to beat stress/ lose weight/ do something”

This means you treat your audience as though they have three brain cells. And one brain cell is lost on clicking the post. If your audience wants to beat stress, they must be stressed in the first place. Now, as stressed individuals, they must have tried breath exercises, talking with a therapist, medicinal marijuana (if applicable and morally acceptable), gratitude journaling, perhaps even anti-depressants.

Having this picture of a woman drinking tea and looking cheerfully out the window, with the headline “3 ways to handle stress”, and then listing what I typed above is NOT value add to the readers.

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash

This is low-hanging fruit for god sake.

What are the alternatives?

1. Understand your target audience. Who are you writing for and what degree of knowledge might they already have?
2. How is writing what you write helping your readers?
3. Can the reader already guess the answers to the numerals you’ve included in your title?
4. Focus on “How” something impacted you and how this might be of use to your reader. Shameless plug, but see my best performing article on How I Accidentally Poisoned Myself with Slow-cooked Red Kidney Beans. Unless you are a biologist, you might not have figured out the answer. I used an experience to teach others to avoid the mistake I made. I included references and shared an uncomfortable experience. That article made over 900 dollars.
5. Don’t write for the sake of writing. If you turn up everyday and push out hastily typed articles, it’ll be garbage. This isn’t some coffee house reward card where you get a punch hole for everyday that you post something. Focus on uniqueness, niche, and value. Don’t be afraid to experiment with other topics once in a while, but set up a brand for yourself.

And remember, the reason why people click these sort of click-bait articles is because people are hurting. These are bad times and everyone is struggling. People need more ways to make money and they’re willing to give anything a shot. It’s just that the headlines promising a 1000 dollars a month or whatever have caveats that are hidden within the article. The authors spend one page waffling before they get into the content.

Unnecessary build up, four bullet points, three plugs to their previous work, and a referral link so that they can make an additional 2.50 USD/month on a recurring basis. Four minute read with barely a minute worth of notable content.

All done so that the reader spends time on the article, generating revenue for the author. If enough number of people do this, it’s a few dollars earned. If you peddle this stuff out in various iterations, it’s a lot of money. But you burn that trust.

Anyway, that’s my humble two Canadian cents. I’m pretty sure that in a month’s time, there will be articles that mock the articles that mocks articles, perpetuating a never-ending regress that earns everyone a few cents a month. Or maybe zero. That sounds about right, yeah?